Treatment AGP1 Teeside

I am currently working on a treatment for a short movie here at teeside. I am going to put out two versions, need some feedback.

Original:

An african man gets out of bed. He lights up a spliff and inhales deeply. He walks outside of his ruined shelter. The outside world is ultra vibrant, and a soothing melody is playing in the bacground. Further up the road there are soldiers shooting people with guns fireing flowers, and on the ground lies the body of a man with a twisted smile, bleading rainbows. The man walks past these scenes, but stops as he reaches a great chasm. His lazy smile turns to a grimace as he spits out the spliff. He turns around to see the world as it truly is. a singel tear runs down his cheek before he falls into the great chasm at his back.

Revised version:

Synopsis: A man gets high to hide from the problems around him, but reality catches up with him.

Story: An African man wakes up from what sounds like raindrops falling on a sheet metal roof. He gets up and lights a splif, takes a deep breath then walk outside.

Outside the world seems vibrant and colourful. A soothing melody is playing in the background. Further up the road there is a gang of soldiers shooting people with guns firing flowers. The man walks up to the body of another man lying on the ground, a twisted smile wrapped around his face. The man continues on, but is stopped at a great chasm. His lazy smile turns to a grimace and he spits out the splif. He turns around and sees the world as it truly is, before he is plunged into the great chasm at his back.