I am currently working on a treatment for a short movie here at teeside. I am going to put out two versions, need some feedback.
Original:
An african man gets out of bed. He lights up a spliff and inhales deeply. He walks outside of his ruined shelter. The outside world is ultra vibrant, and a soothing melody is playing in the bacground. Further up the road there are soldiers shooting people with guns fireing flowers, and on the ground lies the body of a man with a twisted smile, bleading rainbows. The man walks past these scenes, but stops as he reaches a great chasm. His lazy smile turns to a grimace as he spits out the spliff. He turns around to see the world as it truly is. a singel tear runs down his cheek before he falls into the great chasm at his back.
Revised version:
Synopsis: A man gets high to hide from the problems around him, but reality catches up with him.
Story: An African man wakes up from what sounds like raindrops falling on a sheet metal roof. He gets up and lights a splif, takes a deep breath then walk outside.
Outside the world seems vibrant and colourful. A soothing melody is playing in the background. Further up the road there is a gang of soldiers shooting people with guns firing flowers. The man walks up to the body of another man lying on the ground, a twisted smile wrapped around his face. The man continues on, but is stopped at a great chasm. His lazy smile turns to a grimace and he spits out the splif. He turns around and sees the world as it truly is, before he is plunged into the great chasm at his back.
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Hi, hope all's well
SvarSletti like the ending, but im not sure about the rest, what youre trying to express is interesting, basic escapism, but the way your trying to do it, drugs, is obvious and well used, you also seem to be something halfway realistic, halfway symbolical, that can be a difficult thing to pull off. i also find myself beign sceptical towards the setting, since its not a setting your truly familiar with it will be very easy for you to overdramatize it. its a good first draft, but you need to think it over and work on it more, im not actually telling you you need to change anything, but you need to be concious of the choicees you make and why you make them. you seem to be trying for something with a good bit of psychological depth, but your not there yet. if im misunderstanding your intentions here, then just say so, otherwise id also like to say im not sure about the flowers, seems very cliche.
now pizza, then sleep, n8 m8
also mucho mucho spelling mistakes, kinda late :P
SvarSlett